Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
