great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
