apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
