gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
