It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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