the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
