I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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