my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
