Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We named our party play list daddy issues
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
