A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Please don't give away my fajitas
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
