I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
