It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
