A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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