If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
