woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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