I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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