my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
