and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
