Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
