So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
