Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
