A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
