dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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