The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
