I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
