mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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