I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
