She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
