Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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