Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
