Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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