I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
