On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
