When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
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When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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