Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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