I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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