my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
