hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if only i could text you this smell
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
