I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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