I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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