I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just tell him i said nine months
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
