There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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