Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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