I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
