i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
