Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
