that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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