i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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