i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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