I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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