final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
