Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
