Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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