I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
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Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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