Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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