the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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