Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
