i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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