just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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