i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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