Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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